Welcome to Dear Neurotypical Adult,

 

A Journey Through ADHD and Education

I’m creating this blog after a powerful conversation with another teacher who attended one of my sessions on Equity Education for Neurodivergent Learners. He found the information so impactful that he wanted to know more, not just for his classroom but for his personal life as well. This inspired me to share my experiences and insights here.

Purpose of This Blog

This blog is dedicated to the neurotypical adults in the lives of neurodivergent children. I aim to share what I wish the adults in my life had known when I was growing up. It’s important to note that this is not about criticizing the amazing supporters I had as a child; rather, it’s about providing information that simply wasn’t available back then.

About Me: Lindsay Rice

Hello! I’m Lindsay Rice. My journey with ADHD began early when I was diagnosed at the age of five. Although I could understand and grasp concepts in school that my peers could not, I was a mediocre student on paper. This paradox is a common experience for many neurodivergent individuals, where potential and performance don’t always align in traditional educational settings.

Academic and Professional Background

I hold a Bachelor's degree in Speech and Hearing Science and a Master's degree in Childhood Education. Over the past 11 years, I have dedicated myself to teaching, striving to make a difference in the lives of my students. My passion for equitable education extends beyond the classroom. I travel the country presenting on equitable education for neurodivergent learners, aiming to ensure that the trauma of being a neurodivergent learner in the school system comes to an end.

Personal Life

I am also a parent to three wonderful children who are twice exceptional, meaning they are both gifted and have learning differences. This unique combination has further fueled my dedication to creating supportive and inclusive educational environments.

Mission

Through this blog, I hope to share insights and experiences that can help bridge the gap between neurotypical and neurodivergent perspectives. My goal is to provide valuable information and practical advice for parents, teachers, and anyone involved in the lives of neurodivergent children. Together, we can work towards a more understanding and supportive educational system for all learners.

Dear Neurotypical Adult,

Your child may not be able to communicate this right now, but as someone who grew up with ADHD and parents and other adults who were learning as they went, I can offer some insights into what it’s like. Here are a few things I wish we both understood when I was growing up:

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria: The ADHD Brain’s Overactive Radar for Rejection

I wish my parents and I had understood this as a child because it would have made understanding each other much easier. For example, if my parents had known that when they corrected my actions, my brain took it as a personal attack on who I am, they might have understood why I would yell that they didn’t love me. If I had known my brain was sensitive to corrections, I could have questioned my feelings of rejection.

As a parent of children with ADHD, I try to use this lens and teach my children about why they feel the way they do. Even though I have this knowledge and have lived these feelings, I still make mistakes in parenting. When I realize I have made a mistake as a parent or teacher, I own it, apologize, and explain how I was feeling in that moment.

Using Relationship Stabilizers

When giving corrections to the ADHD children in my life, I always start with what I call a "relationship stabilizer." This is a way of confirming that what I am about to say does not change how I feel about the child. By reaffirming your relationship with the child, it can soften and hopefully eliminate the effects of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD).

Scenario: Managing a Stressful Situation

Here’s an example of how this looks in practice:

Scenario: Mason knows his sister is not supposed to leave the yard without telling someone. He first tells her kindly, but when that doesn’t work, he begins to physically restrain her from leaving. They both start screaming, which is when I arrive. As the parent, my stress response is rising as Mason (8) restrains his 5-year-old sister and they are both screaming in the front yard. I worry about what the neighbors will think.

We work hard in my house (myself included) to remind ourselves whether our actions are bringing us closer to or farther from what we want. Once I get them both to stop screaming and figure out what happened, it’s time to talk to Mason.

What this conversation looks like:

“Mason, I just want you to know that I love you and think you are an amazing person. However, we need to discuss what just happened.” Confirming the intent of the situation is vital. Most people with ADHD have a strong sense of doing what is right but may lack the impulse control to choose the correct way to achieve the right outcome.

“I know you were trying to help and keep your sister safe, but the way you did it needs work.” Telling them what they should have done can be ineffective because their brain is busy coming up with a response to what they think you’re going to say. That’s why using questions is the most effective way to communicate with someone with ADHD, especially when they are stressed.

“Mason, what do you think you could have done differently?”

Since this is a conversation we have almost daily, he tells me, “I should have come and got you, but she would have already been gone by then.”

“You’re probably right, but do you think you could have asked her where she was going? How would knowing where she was going help?”

You can see the wheels spinning in his head. “If I knew where she was going, I could tell you, and you could go get her.”

By having him come to the understanding that there are other ways for him to be helpful and why those ways are effective, this conversation leaves him feeling seen and understood, with the understanding that although I am thankful for his help, I need him to help differently next time.

Conclusion

By understanding RSD and using relationship stabilizers, you can help your ADHD child feel seen and understood. This approach can improve communication and foster a supportive and empathetic relationship, allowing your child to thrive.

Sincerely,

Lindsay Rice