Deck the Halls with Emotional Overload: A Neurodivergent Perspective

Deck the Halls with Emotional Overload: A Neurodivergent Perspective

Understanding how my brain works—and how fundamentally different it is from others—has been a long and challenging journey. Living as a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world often feels like being taught to navigate a Microsoft system when all you have access to is a Mac computer.

A World Built for Others

Imagine this scenario: You’ve been meticulously trained on how to use a Microsoft system—learning every click, every process. But when you sit down at a Mac, the tools you’ve been given sometimes work, but often they don’t. Despite your best efforts, you’re told, “You’re not doing it right,” and are scolded for not following the instructions. The frustration, confusion, and unfairness are constant. This is what it feels like to navigate a world built for neurotypical people as a neurodivergent individual.

During the holidays and other high-excitement times, the differences in how my brain functions become even more pronounced. I wish I had understood this as a child, and I wish the adults around me had understood it too.

Dear Neurotypical Adult

The fact that you are reading this and working to better understand the neurodivergent children in your life is greatly appreciated. As you navigate understanding a thought process very different from your own, it is important to remember that perfection is never the goal. Letting go of the idea of having a perfect relationship is the first step to actual happiness. This is something that has taken me a long time to understand.

I have reflected a lot this holiday season on how the overwhelming emotions of the holidays for neurodivergent children also elicit trauma for their parents. Not only is the child being judged for their actions, but the parent is also being judged for their parenting. The judgment of unsolicited advice and opinions about their children activates their stress cycle, often causing them to unintentionally pass that trauma to their children by intensifying their standard of "normal" as a defense against the unsolicited opinions.

Research shows that parents of neurodivergent children often experience high levels of stress and report difficulties in accessing support. This stress can be exacerbated by societal judgments and unsolicited advice, which can lead to a cycle of trauma and heightened expectations. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for creating a supportive environment for both children and parents. By recognizing and addressing these challenges, we can foster better communication and understanding, ultimately leading to healthier relationships and emotional well-being for everyone involved.

The Holiday Effect

Holidays often highlight the emotional disparities between neurodivergent and neurotypical experiences. I have vivid memories of standing at the bottom of the stairs in my childhood home, staring at the Christmas tree, and thinking, Why am I so ungrateful? Why do I feel so upset when everyone else is happy and excited? I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that I wasn’t ungrateful. My brain simply wasn’t equipped to process heightened excitement without strategies to regulate and come down from it.

The Science Behind Emotional Overwhelm

For neurotypical individuals, emotional highs—whether positive or negative—tend to subside gradually, like taking the stairs down from a tall building. For neurodivergent individuals, however, the descent isn’t gradual; it’s a freefall. This abrupt shift from emotional high to baseline is what I call the “Birthday Effect,” but the “Holiday Effect” might be just as fitting.

Imagine this: everyone experiences a surge of emotions, like riding an elevator to the top of a very tall building. For neurotypical people, once the excitement ends, they begin a gradual descent down the metaphorical stairs, reminiscing about the fun and slowly returning to their baseline. For someone neurodivergent, the descent isn’t gradual—it’s a freefall. We’re pushed off the side of the building, plummeting from 100 to 0 almost instantly.

Research supports this phenomenon. Neurodivergent brains, especially those with ADHD, have an interest-based nervous system that is highly sensitive to dopamine. According to Dr. William Dodson, a leading ADHD expert, individuals with ADHD often struggle to regulate emotions and responses because their brains are constantly seeking dopamine hits. This can lead to heightened reactions in emotionally charged situations, regardless of whether the emotions are positive or negative.

Misunderstandings and Labels

As a child, I spent almost every birthday in trouble. Leading up to the big day, I would meticulously plan every detail, imagining the perfect celebration. But when reality inevitably failed to match the script in my head, I’d melt down. The adults around me, interpreting my behavior through a neurotypical lens, often labeled me as ungrateful or a “brat.” This cycle repeated itself year after year.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t grateful—it was that I couldn’t express my gratitude until my emotional and sensory needs were met. Research supports the idea that emotional regulation differs in neurodivergent individuals due to differences in the prefrontal cortex and amygdala, which govern impulse control and emotional responses (Arnsten, 2009). These differences make it harder for neurodivergent individuals to self-regulate during periods of high emotional arousal.

The Role of Rejection Sensitivity

I remember always feeling a sense of rejection during the Christmas season. It wasn’t that anyone was actively rejecting me, but my atypical responses to excitement led others to believe I was ungrateful, which in turn made me feel rejected. Studies on rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) in individuals with ADHD reveal that perceived or real rejection can lead to intense emotional pain, further compounding the challenges of holiday interactions (Dodson, 2019).

Strategies for Support

Understanding this neurochemical reality can help shift perspectives. Neurodivergent children—and adults—aren’t being ungrateful or difficult; they’re responding to an environment that has overstimulated their brains. By offering tools for emotional regulation and fostering environments that prioritize understanding over judgment, we can replace harmful labels with compassion and support.

This cycle can be broken through understanding. I now recognize the importance of creating “stairs” for my children to descend from their emotional highs. For example, this past Christmas, I ensured all my kids received the same number of presents: one big gift and ten smaller ones. My son, Mason, finished unwrapping his gifts first and immediately exclaimed, “Why did they get more presents than me?”

In that moment, I had a choice. I could respond with frustration, saying something like, “Why are you so ungrateful?”—a reaction many of us neurodivergent people have endured. Instead, I calmly explained, “Mason, you all got 11 presents. Your sisters are just unwrapping theirs more slowly.” He then counted his gifts to reassure himself.

While some parents might find this behavior frustrating, I understood it for what it was: a need for reassurance and a fear of rejection, which are constant realities for neurodivergent individuals. Research on parenting neurodivergent children emphasizes the importance of validating emotions and providing clear, factual reassurance to mitigate emotional spirals (Hoza, 2007).

Moving Forward with Compassion

By understanding and addressing our sensory and emotional needs, we can create a more supportive environment for ourselves and others. Sensory modulation practices—such as mindfulness techniques, weighted blankets, and sensory breaks—can help regulate physiological and emotional arousal, supporting recovery and reducing distress. These tools are especially crucial during high-stimulation periods like holidays.

As a child, the holidays often ended not in joy but in emotional crashes. These moments, which should have been filled with happiness, reflection, and gratitude, instead became fraught with feelings of rejection, disappointment, and guilt. By fostering understanding and implementing strategies to support neurodivergent individuals, we can rewrite these narratives for future generations, ensuring that the holidays become a source of joy rather than a trigger for emotional overwhelm.

References:

• Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). The emerging neurobiology of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: The key role of the prefrontal association cortex. Journal of Pediatrics.

• Dodson, W. (2019). Emotional dysregulation and ADHD. ADDitude Magazine.

• Hoza, B. (2007). Peer functioning in children with ADHD. Journal of Pediatric Psychology.

• Volkow, N. D., et al. (2009). Dopamine in ADHD: Differences in the brain’s reward system. Journal of Neuroscience.