Don’t dim your light my love, the world can wear shades! A hard look at the complexities of walking the tight rope, coaching your child to be unapologetically themselves and behaving in a way that is socially acceptable!

 It’s been a while since I was a preteen, but the pain of that time resurfaced yesterday when my daughter’s words echoed the experiences of my 11-year-old self. Being a preteen is challenging for anyone, but for a neurodivergent girl, it adds a unique layer of difficulty. Her heartfelt expression broke my adult heart and awakened the little girl I used to be. She said, "When I try to be myself, everyone tells me I’m being extra. They say I’m doing too much; they tell me to calm down. When I’m calm and focused, they ask me what’s wrong. I’m never who they want me to be."

How do you explain to an 11-year-old that the world may not be ready for her vibrant light? I’m amazed she can articulate this, as those feelings were once mine, but I couldn’t communicate them. The struggle to manage our identities to fit societal norms can make us forget who we truly are. We may feel like a collection of masks, wearing different versions of ourselves based on what’s needed daily. How do you encourage your child to be herself while helping her navigate a world that may not always embrace her intensity?

Understanding Social Feedback

An important layer of understanding why neurodivergent people often struggle with social situations is that much of their behavior is a direct response to the feedback they receive from others. For instance, during a middle school lunch, if a neurodivergent child is being silly and receives laughter and positive feedback from friends, that response releases dopamine, reinforcing the behavior. However, when they leave the cafeteria and continue the same silliness without the same positive reactions, confusion and frustration can set in. This can lead to shutdowns, leaving peers annoyed and perplexed. These experiences are frequent and can create significant emotional turmoil for neurodivergent children.

Navigating Behavior at Home

Similar situations often arise at home. I work hard to explain why a certain behavior may not be appropriate in that moment. It's crucial to separate the action from the intent. The neurodivergent brain is very literal; it responds better when it understands the “why” behind expectations. For instance, if my child doesn’t grasp why she shouldn’t be silly at a specific time, it becomes challenging for her to adjust her behavior.

Moreover, neurodivergent individuals often have a strong sense of ethics and fairness. Injustices can deeply unsettle them, leading to frustration when they cannot make sense of a situation. It can be difficult for neurotypical adults to grasp these complexities. However, if the neurodivergent brain can’t understand the reasoning, it’s hard for them to comply.

Reflecting on my own experiences, my teen and preteen years were fraught with difficulties because I struggled to engage in things that weren’t inherently interesting to me, regardless of their popularity. I couldn't force myself to be excited about things just because they were deemed "cool." Additionally, we often rely on our episodic memory to predict how situations should unfold based on past experiences. When things don’t align with those expectations, frustration ensues, leaving those around us confused.

Helping Our Children Understand

As adults, one of the best things we can do is help our children understand what happened in various situations. It’s essential to break down these experiences and explain the reasons behind them. Explicitly teaching them the complexities of social interactions will empower them to navigate these challenges more effectively.

Moving forward, I will focus on helping my daughter recognize when it’s appropriate to let loose. We’ll discuss how to be herself while also understanding social expectations. It’s important for her to know that people aren’t upset with her for being herself; they may simply be responding to the need to match energy to the task at hand. Neurotypical individuals often transition between silliness and focus more easily than neurodivergent individuals can. Because of this, when my daughter needs to focus, she may find it difficult to switch from silliness, especially if she doesn’t recognize subtle cues to do so.

Dear Neurotypical Adult,

Your neurodivergent child is learning from your responses. You might think, "Good, they shouldn’t act that way." However, if you aren’t having explicit conversations about each situation, what they’re learning is that who they are is "too much." They may come to believe that the unfiltered version of themselves needs to be fixed. I’m not guilt-free in this regard; however, I strive to model behavior for my daughter. In the morning, when I remind her to take her medicine, I share that I am taking mine too, emphasizing how hard it is to complete mundane tasks without it.

It’s interesting to see many parents express frustration about their neurodivergent children while rejecting the idea of medication. As a child, I didn’t understand the role of my medication; I just knew it helped me engage with the world without the constant urge to seek sensory input. I was able to walk outside instead of cartwheel to where I was going. It allowed me the ability to relax and do things like puzzles instead of hanging upside down. I didn't know that it was helping regulate my dopamine levels, reducing the need for those sensory-seeking behaviors. I remember how differently people treated me when I was on and off medication, and at the first sign of additional energy the phrase "did you take your medicine, was never far away." I never want my children to feel that being their true selves is wrong or that they are too much.

Now, my daughter is questioning her identity and the personas she must adopt to navigate the complexities of middle school. She wonders, "Why is it okay when others act silly, but not when I do?" How can I explain that there are complexities to these situations that her brain struggles to comprehend? The social cues of neurotypical peers are often arbitrary and ever-changing. How do I encourage her to find her people—those who are equally confused by social norms—and to shed the masks that hide her true self?

Building Social Understanding

These social dynamics illustrate the challenges neurodivergent children face in interpreting and responding to social cues. Their difficulty with flexibility in rules can exacerbate these misunderstandings. As parents, we must help them navigate these situations and validate their experiences.

I wish my parents had access to the research we have today. My dad always encouraged me to express my feelings, even helping me write in my diary when I needed to vent about him. Looking back, I remember how, after long days of PA school at Yale and working as an exercise physiologist, he would sit next to me on my bed and scribe my big feelings from the day. He let me release those emotions without judgment or the need to "correct" them. The world often expects us to have feelings that match the situation, rather than emotions that reflect how we truly feel. The notion that I shouldn't experience extreme emotions just because others don't is, frankly, absurd. That being said, the truth is, I wish I had better advice for my daughter and for myself. I often find myself wearing masks crafted for each situation, trying to function within societal confines.

As parents and educators of neurodivergent children, the best thing we can do is listen—really listen. We must look past what may sound like complaints and tears. It may be difficult to hear, but I can’t fix her struggles. What I can do is reassure her that life is a series of ups and downs, and sometimes, the hardest moments can lead to the most incredible experiences. She has the opportunity to choose what matters to her, and by focusing on that, joy will always follow.