Stop Punishing the Truth: Replacing Masking with Self-Acceptance


  

Stop Punishing the Truth: Replacing Masking with Self-Acceptance

By Lindsay Rice

Parents ask me a question all the time, usually with a whisper, like they’re afraid someone will judge them:

“Does ADHD medication make kids lie less?”

Honestly?
Yes. But not for the reason people think.

Kids with ADHD don’t lie because they’re sneaky.
They lie because they’re scared.
They lie because their nervous system is in full caveman mode and the goal is survival, not honesty.

When that fight/flight/freeze system flips on, the brain is not thinking about “right and wrong.” It’s thinking:

“What answer keeps me safe right now?”

And unfortunately, neurodivergent kids live in that stress-response place way more than the adults around them realize. Some of it is brain wiring. A lot of it is the constant stream of corrections, disappointment, misunderstandings, sensory overwhelm, and being punished for things they didn’t mean.

Growing up, I was constantly told:

“You know better than that.”

And here’s the thing — I did know better.
But knowing better doesn’t matter if your caveman brain is driving the car. My younger self wishes she knew how to say:

“My intelligence doesn’t matter if I’m in survival mode.”

That sentence alone would have saved me years of shame.

The Moment Honesty Became “Dangerous”

As a child, one of the clearest examples of me not understanding neurotypical social rules happened when my teacher called on someone else and I yelled out the math answer anyway.

She was excellent at wait time.
I was… not.

When she asked why I yelled out, I told her the truth — the real truth — the kind of honesty that neurotypical adults claim to want but absolutely do not handle well:

“Because honestly I don’t think she understands the math enough to answer the question and it was taking too long.”

That was it. Pure honesty. No attitude. No sarcasm. I really believed I was helping.

But in that moment I learned something painful:

Questions aren’t always questions.
And honesty is only acceptable in the neurotypical world in certain situations.

My teacher was furious.
She X’d out my behavior chart.
Sent me to the office.
Took away my fun time for the whole week.

What I learned wasn’t “wait your turn.”
What I learned was:

  • adults don’t actually want honesty

  • my instincts were wrong

  • my feelings were “inappropriate”

  • saying the truth gets you punished

  • I needed to start guessing what they wanted me to say

And honestly? Some adults still want kids to treat honesty like a guessing game.

These mixed messages — layered with impulse control struggles and the ADHD stress cycle — make honesty incredibly confusing for neurodivergent kids.

I’m still a horrible liar. I was lucky that medication and therapy eventually helped me learn the “rules,” but those rules feel like learning a second language. I can do it, but if too many things happen at the same time? I slip.

So let me just say this clearly:

If you don’t want an honest answer, don’t ask the question.
And if you do ask, respect the answer.

When kids in my life tell me the truth, we talk through it. If it’s the first time, the consequence is natural and limited. Because the worst thing we can teach a child is:

“You get punished for telling the truth.”

That’s how lying becomes a survival strategy.

The Day My Spark Dimmed

After that incident, I felt shame. Embarrassment. Rejection. I felt unsafe in a classroom I wanted desperately to belong to.

Later that year, I told the same teacher — something she even wrote in my file — that:

“I feel like everyone treats me like a dirty worn-out shoe.”

Imagine an eight-year-old saying that.

And the awful part?
I wasn’t wrong.
Whether she meant to communicate it or not, I felt unwanted.

When I watch old videos of myself now, I can literally see my spark dimming. You can see the bright kid disappearing, replaced with a tired, sad-eyed little girl who only felt safe around a few people.

And as I got older, that list of safe people got shorter.

Sometimes I wonder who I would’ve been without the masks.
But that version of me is gone.

The next generation doesn’t have to bury themselves to survive. We can stop the patterns that dim kids’ spirits.

So How Does Medication Help With Lying?

Not because it “makes them better.”
Not because it forces compliance.
Not because honesty magically appears.

Medication gives the brain enough dopamine to reduce stress.
Less stress = fewer caveman responses.
Fewer caveman responses = fewer panic lies.

Research even shows medication can support healthier neural development and more efficient communication between brain regions. But on a practical level for parents:

More dopamine → more success → less shame → calmer brain → less lying

It’s not a personality change.
It’s access.

Mac vs. Microsoft: Why Neurotypical Rules Don’t Transfer

ADHD kids aren’t confused because they’re “immature.”
They’re confused because they are literally working off a different operating system.

A Mac isn’t wrong for not running Windows programs.
But if someone hands you a PC and insists you perform like a Mac — and punishes you every time you “get it wrong” — eventually you shut down.

That’s what ADHD kids live through daily.

What Neurodivergent Kids Learn When We Punish Honesty

  • Honesty = danger

  • Adults want the “right” answer, not the real answer

  • My feelings are inappropriate

  • I should mask to stay safe

  • Tell them what they want to hear

This is how very honest children become older kids who lie.

Not because they’re manipulative.
Because we literally trained them to.

Three Ways to Keep Lying From Becoming the Default

1. Respect Honest Responses — even if you don’t like them.

Don’t shame them.
Don’t overreact.
Don’t punish the truth.

Praise the honesty first.

2. Use Honesty to Understand the Need Behind the Behavior.

Ask:

  • “What were you hoping to get out of this?”

  • “What did you want to happen?”

And please remember:
A lot of unmedicated ADHD behavior is just dopamine-seeking.

3. Save Your Judgments for Your Own Reflection Time.

Kids with ADHD get 20,000 more negative interactions by age 12.

They don’t need you adding to the pile.

Mask your reaction for a moment if you need to.
Honor their honesty before addressing the behavior.

Journaling: The Secret Tool No One Talks About

Journaling can be a lifesaver for neurodivergent kids because it removes the pressure of your immediate reaction.

ADHD kids are experts at reading micro-expressions.
They feel disappointment instantly.
This is even stronger for kids with rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Journaling helps because:

  • it gives them time to process

  • it stops impulsive blurting

  • it gives you time to regulate before responding

  • it lets both of you communicate without the power struggle

This isn’t avoiding communication.
It’s supporting it.

For Teachers: How to Handle Blunt Honesty Without Making It Worse

  • Don’t ask “trap questions.”

  • Tell kids what you want from the interaction.

  • Praise the honesty before correcting the delivery.

  • Use curiosity instead of punishment.

  • Remember: safety first, skill-building second.

A Script for Honest-but-Harsh Answers

“Thanks for being honest.
What you said could feel hurtful to someone, even if it’s true.
You’re not in trouble — we’re going to learn a better way together.”

A Script for When a Rule Was Broken

“If you tell me the truth, this stays a conversation.
If you lie and I find out, the consequence will be for the behavior and the lie.”

Clear. Predictable. Fair.

We Can Do Better for the Next Generation

I can’t go back and rescue younger me — the little girl who felt like a worn-out shoe and slowly dimmed her spark.

But we can protect the kids growing up now.

They don’t have to mask who they are.
They don’t have to guess the “right” answer.
They don’t have to lie to survive.

If we create environments where truth is safe, honesty becomes the default.

And their spark never has to dim the way mine did.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Welcome to Dear Neurotypical Adult,

Image
  A Journey Through ADHD and Education I’m creating this blog after a powerful conversation with another teacher who attended one of my sessions on Equity Education for Neurodivergent Learners. He found the information so impactful that he wanted to know more, not just for his classroom but for his personal life as well. This inspired me to share my experiences and insights here. Purpose of This Blog This blog is dedicated to the neurotypical adults in the lives of neurodivergent children. I aim to share what I wish the adults in my life had known when I was growing up. It’s important to note that this is not about criticizing the amazing supporters I had as a child; rather, it’s about providing information that simply wasn’t available back then. About Me: Lindsay Rice Hello! I’m Lindsay Rice. My journey with ADHD began early when I was diagnosed at the age of five. Although I could understand and grasp concepts in school that my peers could not, I was a mediocre student on paper. ...
Read more

Deck the Halls with Emotional Overload: A Neurodivergent Perspective

Image
Deck the Halls with Emotional Overload: A Neurodivergent Perspective Understanding how my brain works—and how fundamentally different it is from others—has been a long and challenging journey. Living as a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world often feels like being taught to navigate a Microsoft system when all you have access to is a Mac computer. A World Built for Others Imagine this scenario: You’ve been meticulously trained on how to use a Microsoft system—learning every click, every process. But when you sit down at a Mac, the tools you’ve been given sometimes work, but often they don’t. Despite your best efforts, you’re told, “You’re not doing it right,” and are scolded for not following the instructions. The frustration, confusion, and unfairness are constant. This is what it feels like to navigate a world built for neurotypical people as a neurodivergent individual. During the holidays and other high-excitement times, the differences in how my brain functions become eve...
Read more

 When the Mask Comes Off: The Emotional Journey of Living as Neurodivergent

Image
  When the Mask Comes Off: The Emotional Journey of Living as Neurodivergent I recently responded to a discussion in a Facebook group where a mother anonymously shared her struggles with her daughter’s behavior. Parenting, in general, can feel isolating and lonely, but these feelings are often magnified when raising a Neurodivergent child. It's not because our children are "bad" or "disabled," but because they don’t fit into society's narrow idea of how children should behave. The shame we experience can intensify the pain of living as a Neurodivergent. Society has deeply ingrained expectations about how children should act, and when those expectations aren’t met, it can feel as if the child is doing something “wrong.” This often invites judgment—not just from strangers but sometimes even from family members. It’s this societal gap that makes raising a Neurodivergent child not only difficult but profoundly isolating. On top of that, children with ADHD often ...
Read more